Love: You're Doin it Wrong!
by Steel Plated Bambi
Summary: Watch bizarre and generally unthinkable relationships come to life before your very eyes! Utter CRACK. Ratings may vary. - Now in fabulous Teknocolour! -
1. Imagine, You and Me

**AN: ****Fellow fans, I have a confession to make. I like crack. Scratch that: I **_**love**_** crack. I'm a great believer in twisting around what the author originally intended: exploring unexplored relationships, paying close attention to the subtext, and just plain screwing around with canon. **

**This fic will consi****st of one-shots, all pairing-centric. I'm going to try and flex my creative muscles by seeing how many pairings I can actually make work. I'm pretty sure I can think up plenty on my own, but I'd like to hear from you, too. Suggest to me any crack pairing from **_**Warriors**_** and I'll take my best shot at fleshing it out. Just a few little rules, though – I don't believe in slash in this section, so don't ask for it. As well, I haven't read the new Firestar novel or **_**The Power of Three**_**, so I can't deal with material from either book. Other than those restrictions, feel free to go crazy.**

**And to start us off, I've already prepared a little something. This was incredibly frustrating to write – it fought me all the way. Nevertheless, it's done, and here for your entertainment. Jerks.**

**Oh, and v.i.f. (when it's mentioned below) stands for **_**Very Important Feline**_

**Disclaimer: I don't really think I need a disclaimer on but I'll say it anyway: I do not, nor ever will, own **_**Warriors**_

* * *

Imagine, You and Me

By Steel Plated Bambi

* * *

"So you're really staying?"

Squirrelpaw uttered the words with reluctance, as though wishing they weren't true. Her green eyes were saddened with the knowledge that this would likely be the last time she talked with Stormfur like this. The tom in question blinked in affirmation, looking solemn.

"I can't leave Brook again. I love her." Stormfur spoke with confidence, but there was a telltale catch in his voice that gave away just how torn he was between loyalty to the clans and his newfound love for the tribe cat. A moment of silence passed between the two of them, as both grappled with their own thoughts and feelings. They equally understood the reality of the situation, and the heavy consequences of the choice Stormfur was making. The clans would travel as far as they had to in order to reach their new home; in remaining behind with the Tribe of Rushing Water, there was a very good chance that the RiverClan tom would never see his friends or clanmates again.

At length Squirrelpaw spoke, dispelling the hushed mood that had settled over the conversation.

"It won't be the same without you, you know. Finding our new home," she mewed sadly. "It won't be the same if we're not all…together." Stormfur's eyes flickered with something like pain, and the ginger apprentice winced at how carelessly she'd brought up the subject of Feathertail's death.

"No," Stormfur said evenly. "It won't be the same." He looked away from her, sighing. "But I've made my choice. My family are gone, Squirrelpaw. All of them." No doubt he was thinking of Graystripe, the father who had been stolen away by twolegs and was presumably gone for good. "I'm adjusting well to tribe hunting tactics; I've heard some of the others say I was practically a tribe cat myself. I think I'll be able to call this place home eventually. Besides, Brook is the only one I have left."

_Don't tell me he__ thinks we don't care about him too? _Squirrelpaw's eyes narrowed a fraction.

"Oh, so we're not included on your little list of v.i.f.s?" the ThunderClan she-cat asked dryly. "Stormfur, you know that we all care about you. Even that mousebrain Crowpaw does, so don't you go getting any ideas about not being loved." That got an amused purr out of him, at least. "I wish you could come with us, though." Squirrelpaw looked regretful for a moment.

"So do I," Stormfur sighed. "But my place is here." Squirrelpaw followed his gaze to the towering peak of the mountain above them, snow-capped and majestic. It was so different from home, and yet…If any cat could learn to live here, it was Stormfur. Squirrelpaw knew that much.

"I'll miss you guys," the grey tom mewed, looking back at his companion. Warmth showed in his yellow eyes. "Especially you, Squirrelpaw." Said apprentice was surprised to here it, and maybe just a little bit pleased, but she regarded him with amusement.

"Aww, I'm flattered. Don't let Brambleclaw hear you say that, though." Squirrelpaw teased. Stormfur laughed.

"I'm a big boy. If it comes down to a fight, I think I could hold my own against him," he replied cheekily. Then he tilted his head to the side and studied Squirrelpaw, a faint smile on his face.

"You know, a little while ago I would've given anything for you to notice me," Stormfur mewed ironically. "I'm still terribly jealous of Brambleclaw."

"You mean…wait, you actually had a crush on me?" Squirrelpaw couldn't help grinning.

"Yeah." Stormfur's whiskers twitched sheepishly, but he returned her grin. "Head over heels, almost. But I had too much respect for Brambleclaw to say anything."

"Well, call me irresistible," Squirrelpaw mewed jokingly, fluttering her lashes at him. Although she couldn't help wondering…

"What if you _had _said something, though?" she asked. "D'you suppose we would've gotten together, the two of us?" Stormfur appeared to consider this for a moment, tail-tip twitching thoughtfully. Then he spoke.

"Who knows?" he replied. "Anything's possible. My mother and father were certainly the odd couple." That was true enough, Squirrelpaw thought. Relationships between cats of different clans occurred more frequently than one might expect. Silverstream and Graystripe were certainly an example of that.

"It could've happened," Stormfur mewed, interrupting her thoughts. "Though it would've had repercussions. It always does." He grimaced at that. "I still don't know how I'm going to tell Leopardstar about Brook."

"Yeeeah, good luck with that, by the way," Squirrelpaw mewed, not without sympathy. "I don't envy you, I can tell you that." Then she sobered slightly, adopting a thoughtful expression.

"Still…imagine, you and me," she mused aloud. And she _could_ imagine it, vividly. She'd always liked Stormfur; he was loyal and level-headed, the sort of tom who would make a perfect deputy for any clan. It didn't hurt that he was also strikingly handsome. Would things have turned out differently, the ginger apprentice wondered, if she hadn't started falling in love with Brambleclaw, and Stormfur with Brook? Maybe.

Silence again fell over the two clan cats. They sat for who knows how long, just thinking. Then Squirrelpaw gazed up at Stormfur, her green eyes meeting his yellow ones.

"I'll miss you, Stormfur," the she-cat mewed quietly, heart slightly heavier at the good-bye with its newfound knowledge. Squirrelpaw wanted to yowl at the unfairness of it all. StarClan, was she to lose all of the friends she had made on the journey? But no, this time it was Stormfur's choice. She had to respect that, even though she would miss him, terribly.

The gray tom returned her gaze, looking somewhat despondent himself.

"I'll miss you too, Squirrelpaw," he mewed back, blinking affectionately. They touched noses briefly, eyes closed in reflection on their time together. Squirrelpaw breathed in his scent, wanting to take in his subtle, musky odour and commit it to memory. Then she stepped back and gazed at him, her green eyes fixed on his yellow ones.

"Take care of yourself, alright?" She tried to sound cheerful, but her throat was tight, and the prey she'd caught earlier formed a cold, hard lump at the bottom of her stomach. Was this anything like how it felt to have your heart break? Squirrelpaw prayed not, for she didn't think she'd be able to bear it.

Stormfur purred, giving her ear a quick, affectionate lick.

"I'll try, just as long as you do, too." The gray tom tilted his head and lifted her chin with his tail, making her meet his gaze more evenly. "And don't look so gloomy. The Squirrelpaw _I_ know would be threatening me about something, instead of moping like a wet woodchuck."

Squirrelpaw felt heartened by his comment, but took a playful swipe at him for good measure. Stormfur dodged out of the way and was already on his paws, darting away for fear of further assaults on his person. The ginger apprentice was already after him, ears flattening in mock anger.

"Call me a wet woodchuck, will you? Get back here, furball, so I can claw yours ears off!"

Stormfur laughed, loud and long and happy.

"Now _that's_ the she-cat I know!" He grinned.

**

* * *

**

**AN:**** Corny ending LOLOLOL…Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it, or at least didn't laugh at the sheer mushiness of the content. I know I did. Laugh, that is. XD Feel free to drop me a line by way of review – reviews are always appreciated.**

**As a trivia fact, I got various interesting spelling suggestions for "Yeeeah," including eye wash. Silly computer. **


	2. Relieving Stress

**AN: Well, lookie here – the second instalment of my crack-tarded story. This may or may not upset some die-hard fans of a well established canon pairing (won't say which), but then, I was never a big fan of said pairing myself. I personally think this is hilarious, but then, I might be a tad biased seeing as I wrote it. **

**This chapter is rated T for teen, as there is some bad human language, as well as suggestive themes.**

**Disclaimer: If **_**Warriors**_** had been my idea, then it would have never made it to the bookstore shelves, as I would STILL be nitpicking over in the present day.**

* * *

Relieving Stress

By Steel Plated Bambi

* * *

Squirrelflight was in a remarkably bad mood today.

Actually, that was putting it lightly. She was still in the middle of an epic tête-à-tête with Brambleclaw, and all the bitching and screaming was quickly earning them a reputation as the most sexually frustrated couple in the forest. As if that weren't enough, this morning alone she'd managed to get a thorn stuck in her paw, take a swipe at Ashfur for no better reason than him being there, and seriously disturb several apprentices by breaking down into hysterical blubbering outside the medicine cat's den.

Needless to say, Squirrelflight was not merely upset – she was ready to claw the ears off the next cat to come within six foxlengths of her, even if it was Tigerstar himself. Someone in StarClan must have been in a similarly bad mood that day, because as luck would have it, during a border patrol she had run smack into the crabby, equally as abrasive WindClan tom Crowfeather.

"What do you mean by creeping around ThunderClan's territory, mousebrain?!" Squirrelflight snarled. Her tail lashed violently from side to side, and her eyes were narrowed to agitated slits. Oh, she did_ not_ need this right now.

"_Me?!_ You're the one who's trespassing, and you know it! Firestar gave this territory to WindClan, in case you'd already forgotten – or do you lack the mental capacity to even remember your own father's policies?" Crowfeather shot back. Both cats faced each other with fangs bared and pelts bristling, sheer stubbornness preventing either from backing down. Crowfeather was probably right about the border extension, but she'd be a chipmunk's aunt before she let the WindClan cat make a fool of her. The ginger queen could already feel her temper rising to a dangerous crescendo. Any further provocation and she'd snap like a twig.

"Listen, you, you –" Squirrelflight groped for the worst words she knew. "– you lousy, bracken-eating, foxdung-for-brained Twoleg lover!" _Hey, that was a good one._ "Don't talk to me about forgetting policy! You don't see me padding after cats from outside my clan! Is that why you decided to come prancing over here? Were you hoping to find a pretty ThunderClan apprentice to seduce?" Crowfeather's face went through a spectacular array of emotions, going from angry to shocked and back to angry again in a matter of seconds; the sight was so comical that Squirrelflight would likely have burst out laughing if she had been in better spirits. As it was, she snickered inwardly, feeling a sort of sick satisfaction. Was it just her, or did he look almost…guilty?

"I-I – _you_ –" Crowfeather sputtered, nearly speechless with fury. Squirrelflight, feeling reckless, decided to push her luck. Heck, she could do with a good fight.

"Aww, poor kitty," she crooned. "Did I hit a nerve?"

That did it.

Snarling furiously, Crowfeather launched himself at the she-cat with every intention of flaying the hide from her back. He collided with her and they rolled backwards, tumbling down the slope as a hissing, spitting whirlwind of black and orange fur. At the bottom of the hill they crashed through the brambles and into a small clearing, oblivious to the thorns snagging in their fur as they remained locked in combat, hissing and screeching.

"Lousy fleabag!" Crowfeather spat, snagging his claws in her ear.

"Rabbit-chasing ninny!" Squirrelflight hissed back, bonking him on the nose.

They fought and spat and shrieked and cursed, rolling around the clearing in a maelstrom of mayhem as both attempted to murder the other. Fur and insults flew.

Finally Squirrelflight's back slammed against the forest floor, and she lay panting and glaring up at Crowfeather, who had her pinned with both front paws. The tom was also breathing heavily, sides heaving as he returned her glower in full. Despite this, he appeared almost _smug_, the miserable creep. Ears no longer flat against his skull, the dark-coloured WindClan tom stood over her triumphantly, whiskers twitching in ill-suppressed satisfaction at his victory. Still fuming, Squirrelflight stared balefully up at him, her green eyes boring into his blue ones. His very, _very_ blue ones. _Wow…I never noticed how nice his eyes were before…_

Struck by sudden impulse, Squirrelflight craned her neck and licked the end of Crowfeather's nose. He drew back as though she'd bit him, staring at her in shock. Tension crackled in the air between them, causing every hair on Squirrelflight's body to tingle. Crowfeather still stood over her, looking intent but puzzled.

"Squirrelflight…?" His voice sounded unreal in the heavy silence. Then his eyes darkened, a very different look coming over his features as he gazed down at her.

Well, there were other ways to relieve stress…

* * *

Leafpool padded from the shelter of her den and into the main clearing, looking vaguely worried. Again she found her eyes shifting to the camp's entrance, hoping to spot a familiar flash of orange fur. _It's almost sunset_, she noted with a frown. _Where in the world has Squirrelflight gone off to?_ She knew her sister was having issues with Brambleclaw – everyone knew it by now – but she didn't usually take this long to cool down after one of their fights. It wasn't like Squirrelflight to just disappear off the face of the earth. _Well, that's not entirely true_, Leafpool amended humorously.

Presently there was a pattering of paws, and Squirrelflight emerged through the entrance tunnel, looking slightly worse for the wear. Large patches of fur were missing from her orange coat, and little plants and twigs were tangled in with it. She didn't seem angry any longer, thank StarClan, but she was definitely on edge for some reason. Immediately Leafpool scrambled over to her sister, concern overcoming surprise at her bedraggled appearance.

"Squirrelflight! Where have you been? Are you all right? What happened to your fur?" Leafpool didn't pause for breath between questions, looking her sister over worriedly. Squirrelflight jerked away as though she'd taken a swipe at her.

"IT WAS JUST _ONCE_!!" she shrieked, her voice rising hysterically. Then she stormed off in the direction of the warrior's den, tail bristling.

"Wha…?" Leafpool stared after her, bewildered.

* * *

**AN: Yes, I decided to focus on Squirrelflight again. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Muahaha. I suppose I could've had them actually being in **_**luuuurve**_**, but that would've been too cliché. And did this happen during Leafpool's relationship with Crowfeather? Well…I'll leave that up to you. ;)**


	3. Tall, Dark and Handsome

**AN: Hello again, my lovely readers. I was very surprised this morning to open my inbox and find at least **_**sixteen e-mails**_** about reviews, favourites and watches. Wow. So I'd like to say thanks for the staggering amount of support from you guys.**

Purple Arsenic**: Thanks, I thought it was better too. :)**

Nameless Nightmare**: Humour is always a good addition to a story – it keeps people entertained. Hmm, I like TawnyxCrow too, so I'll consider it.**

Shandril**: Pregnant? I hadn't thought of it that way, but you're right. She seems to be having PMS issues. XD BluexTiger seems strange at a glance, but it's conceivable.**

I Be Guest**: Squirrelflight was having serious relationship issues during **_**Twilight**_**; I wouldn't be surprised if this actually happened. XD You've got a lot of good suggestions. Thanks!**

Niah-Miyoki**: Nah, nothing's ever too cracky. ;) I'll see if I can get around to it.**

Soraluver**: CloudxRusset? I never would have thought of that. Neat! evil cackle**

Cloudfire**: Yes, I hope to shock many people with my bizarre crack. Good suggestions! I'll think on 'em. Long live crack!**

**I promise I'll get around to taking you up on those requests, but this idea took a hold of me last night and would not let go. I needed to get it out of my system.**

**Disclaimer: **_**Warriors**_** is not mine, and never will be. If it was mine, **_**Twilight**_** wouldn't have been so heavily based on relationships as opposed to action. And Firestar's mom would've been in it. XD**

* * *

Tall, Dark and Handsome

By Steel Plated Bambi

* * *

She'd seen him twice before, from the garden fence bordering her property: a dark, muscular-looking brown tabby, strolling along the perimeter of the human place with an air of authority. She'd been wary of him, remembering what Fireheart had said about some of the local wildcats, but hadn't paid him much mind other than that. It wasn't her business, as long as he didn't try coming up on the fence, or invading her owner's prized garden. 

Princess was always a little nervous, though, when she came down to edge of the forest to see her brother. She always tried to remind herself that kittypet gossip was just that – gossip – and that she wasn't likely to be set upon by angry woodland dwellers the minute she stepped onto their territory. Still, she didn't like these open spaces too much – the lack of cover made her anxious.

"Fireheart!" Princess yowled. "Yoohoo, Fireheart!"

The brown and white tabby took a tentative sniff, to see if she could smell him nearby. She couldn't; all she could taste was the strong scent of pine needles. Princess sighed in frustration, turning as though to go back – and nearly jumped out her skin when she was confronted with a pair of intense amber eyes. She yelped and fell down backwards, fluffed up to nearly twice her size.

"I beg your pardon!" the owner of the eyes said, dipping his massive head in apology. It was the same brown tabby Princess had seen from the fence, she realized. Up close he seemed nearly twice as large as he had from a distance, and infinitely more impressive. The tom was big and burly, with a barrel chest and powerful hindquarters. His dark tabby pelt rippled over a muscular build as he leaned forward to check her for damage. "Are you alright, Miss?"

_Well, I am now,_ Princess thought dazedly.

"Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine," she mewed, standing up somewhat shakily. Laying her fur flat, she licked her paw and drew it over her ear, affecting for nonchalance. "You just startled me. I wasn't expecting…er, well…" She found herself at a loss for words under his bright amber gaze.

"Sorry about that. I suppose I have a tendency to sneak up on people." The tom chuckled, a deep rumbling sound within his chest. He looked her up and down, appraisingly. "So, what's a kittypet like yourself doing so far from your twolegs?"

"W-who, me?" Princess stammered, trying to put her brain back in gear. _Come on, come on! Focus on something _besides _his hindquarters!_ A tiny voice squeaked furiously. Darn it, what was she here for again?

"Oh, yes!" the queen mewed brightly. "I was looking for my brother, Fireheart. He's with the forest cats, you know," she added confidentially.

The stranger blinked, curiously, but didn't show any sort of recognition. His whiskers twitched thoughtfully.

"Can't say I've heard of him," he mewed. "I live alone around these parts. I try to stay clear of the forest cats." Princess didn't think he needed to worry about meeting _any_ sort of warrior cat, but she kept that to herself. Her eyes wandered to the long, wicked looking claws protruding from his massive paws. And they were still retracted, too! He seemed to notice her stare, and tactfully wrapped his tail around his paws.

Belatedly she remembered that she'd forgotten to introduce herself.

"Oh, where are my manners? I'm Princess," the tabby she-cat mewed, giving him a friendly blink.

"My name is…Tiger," he replied, hesitating only slightly on the last word. Princess, however, hadn't noticed, and beamed up at him.

"Well, Tiger, it's been very nice meeting you," she said pleasantly, "but it looks as though Fireheart isn't here, so I should probably be heading home now." Still, she was reluctant to leave the side of this very impressive (and admittedly drop-dead gorgeous) tom so soon, and found herself hesitating, trying to find the right words.

"Would you – maybe, do you think…?" Princess faltered. _Come on girl, out with it!_

Tiger kept watching her patiently, with those deep, powerful ochre eyes.

"Wouldyoumaybewalkmehome?" she meowed in a rush. Seeing his confused look, she flushed and tried again. "I mean, it's a little dangerous out here, and I was wondering if you'd walk home with me. You know, to make sure nothing happens." Tiger's eyes lit up with understanding, and he nodded, padding gallantly over to her side.

"Alright," he mewed, flashing her a charming grin. "Where to, Madam?"

* * *

Things being the way they were, upon reaching Princess' fence, the she-cat in question had been reluctant to part company with her tall, dark and handsome companion just yet, and she consequentially found herself inviting him to stay for a little while longer. 

"My housefolk are out, and they won't be back for a while," she'd reasoned. "Wouldn't you like some catnip before you go?"

And so they were currently sitting in Princess' garden, nosing through some of the more exotic herbs, and chatting amiably. Tiger seemed very interested in hearing about her brother's warrior life, among other things.

"Oh, it can very difficult for them, especially in the cold times," Princess mewed, in response to one of Tiger's questions. "The poor dears looked so _thin_ when they came by last year. It must be terribly hard to be out looking for mice and squirrels, and under all that snow!" The she-cat _tsk!_ed quietly as she sniffed a particularly green catnip plant, expressing bafflement at the hard way Fireheart chose to live.

Tiger had found his own stalk of the aromatic stuff, and inhaled appreciatively. He chuckled at the haughty tone in her comment, though, and came over to where she was.

"It isn't easy, but it's a living." The massive tabby sniffed at the same plant Princess was investigating. "Do they have the same trouble now?" He moved slightly closer, and his tail brushed against hers unintentionally. Princess looked quickly away, face burning.

"Oh, u-um, not quite," the kittypet stuttered before getting a hold of herself. "They're doing much better this season in terms of prey, but apparently they're having problems with their leader. Blue-something," she added as an afterthought. Princess padded over to another batch of plants, these with brightly coloured blossoms. "Apparently she's been very anxious, since a bit of an uprising occurred earlier this year. She won't talk to anyone about it. My son thinks she's 'lost it', as he so eloquently puts it." This last part was said very dryly.

Both cats shared an amused purr. Tiger joined her after a moment, pausing to admire the flowering plant Princess was inspecting before setting down to washing his front paw.

"So," he mewed between licks, "Your son…does he know his father? I don't mean to pry, of course," the tabby added hurriedly, upon seeing her startled expression.

Princess waved her tail dismissively, showing that she wasn't offended. In fact, she hadn't though about it for a long time. How was her old mate doing anyway, she wondered? A small lump formed in her throat, and she swallowed it with some difficulty.

"Ah, no. He's never met him." The she-cat gave one of the blossoms a delicate sniff, avoiding his eyes. "He and I…we weren't mates for long. Our housefolk introduced us." She remembered that day. He'd been fairly attractive, but rather boring to talk to. Not the sort of cat you'd want to spend a lot of time with.

"They took him away, after a few days. I never saw him again," Princess finished simply. Tiger blinked at her sympathetically, amber eyes intent.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he mewed. Princess looked at him, then, and felt her heart skip a beat as their eyes met.

"Did you love him?" he asked baldly. Princess blinked in surprise at the question. She'd never really given it much thought. He'd been the father of her kits, but not much else to her. She paused, considering.

"No," Princess said at length, blinking at the revelation. "No, I didn't."

Just then they heard the dull roar of a monster in the distance, growing steadily louder in volume as it approached.

"My housefolk!" Princess hissed. Quick as a flash, Tiger's muscles bunched and he leapt smoothly to the top of the fence. Princess leapt up after him hastily.

"Take care of yourself," Tiger mewed gruffly, and made to jump down, but Princess stopped him with her tail. He looked at her, half annoyed.

"Will you come back tomorrow?" Princess asked, feeling slightly desperate. _Say yes, say yes, PLEASE say yes…_

Tiger regarded her with those amber eyes, bright and thoughtful. Then he reached out and gave her ear a quick lick.

"Tomorrow at sunhigh," he mewed, before leaping down to the street. As quickly as he had appeared he was gone, disappearing into the forest. Princess stood, frozen in place, still feeling a tingling in the spot where his tongue had touched her ear. Then she gave a joyful little squeal, and fairly floated down into the garden, feeling as light as a feather.

She was greatly looking forward to seeing him again.

* * *

Tigerclaw lingered long enough to watch the kittypet's tabby fur vanish over the fence, then turned and made his way into the forest. 

This was the fringe of ThunderClan territory, but he wasn't terribly worried about being discovered. His dark tabby pelt blended well with his environment, and from a distance, he could be mistaken for a shadow on the forest floor. And even if some cat _did_ stumble across him, well…His long, murderous claws slid out in reflex.

Tigerclaw's hulking shoulders rolled as he walked, and his mind began to wander. He hadn't initially expected to find anycat at Tallpines. The rogue had been leaving his scent on various trees in the area, as a warning to ThunderClan. It had only been a happy coincidence that he'd stumbled upon Fireheart's kittypet sister.

Already quite handsome, Tigerclaw hadn't had any trouble in charming the whiskers off the naïve little she-cat. He smirked, remembering the way she'd beamed at him so trustingly. She wasn't too bright, Princess, but her kinship with Fireheart could prove useful. From what they'd spoken of in the garden, Tigerclaw could guess that Princess was at least somewhat aware of ThunderClan's inner workings. Keeping a close relationship with her would give him an advantage, so long as Fireheart didn't discover who it was his sister was seeing.

Besides being useful, she was also…sweet, for a kittypet. True, she didn't know much about the way of the world outside her twoleg home, but she was kind, and thoughtful. It wasn't something he wanted to admit to himself, but he'd actually enjoyed the time he'd spent with her, however short it had been. Maybe, just maybe, going back tomorrow wouldn't be quite as tedious as he'd first thought.

Tigerclaw summoned a picture of Princess to his mind's eye, envisioning her tabby and white fur, and gentle, smiling amber eyes.

Yes, he supposed he was looking forward to seeing her again.

* * *

**AN: This chapter surprisingly easy to write. Adorable stuff tends to be that way. :D I love Princess. She's such a simple little kitty, but while her brother puzzles and puzzles over clan issues, she gets to the heart of the problem straight away, just by thinking logically.**

**I actually really like how this turned out, maybe because I can envision it happening. Besides, Tigerclaw's such a ladies man. He's already had two mates, so why not give him a third? XD**


	4. The Morning After

**AN: ****Hello again, guys. I'd like to apologize for the pause in the story. Things in real life have been getting a little out of hand over the past three weeks, namely a new semester starting, meaning my schedule went down the rabbit hole. Secondly, I've been struggling for some time to produce a CrowxTawny chapter, with limited success – it seemed that every time I sat down to write it, my muse went belly-up (never fear, it will eventually be finished). And lastly (and most frustratingly), our piece of crap computer decided on Friday that we weren't allowed to have internet access because of a fictional unplugged cable. And this was on the same day I had just finished this chapter and was planning to post it. God, I hate technology.**

**On the other hand, the idiocy of this dilemma gave me time to go over this chapter a few times and tweak it to my liking. I think the result is a slightly better story than spontaneity alone could produce.**

Niah-Miyoki**: Thanks! Darkstripe and Leopardstar…that's just about the best thing ever. XD You've just given me a great idea for another chapter.**

I Be Guest**: Holy moley! That is one **_**long **_**list of pairings. You've got some good suggestions in there; I'll be sure to use a few of 'em. Yes, Squirrelflight always struck me as a bit of a go-go girl as well. How many toms has she strung along now? Three? Maybe four (if you count Crowfeather)? Leafpool was pretty boring from the start, and throwing her together with Crowfood did nothing to change that for me. Poor kid should have realized he was just looking for a Feathertail replacement.**

Shandril**: Tigerclaw as Cloudtail's father? That's a cool idea Shandril. I hope you decide to use it – that's a story I'd want to read. :)**

Mio Feather**: I'm glad you found CrowxSquirrel entertaining. I know I certainly did! It really could've happened with any tom, but making it Crowfeather she went for a roll in the hay with just amuses me to no end. It's nice to know I've broadened your perspective on pairings!**

Soraluver**: I know right? TigerxPrincess is just such a fabulous pairing. I've fallen head over heels for it already, and **_**I'm **_**the one who came up with! Well, that hasn't been verified, but if you see any other stories on the pairing, let me know. I'd love to read 'em. ;)**

Peachflower**: FirestarxWhitewing? It took me a second to realize that it would be incest. She's like his – what, nephew's daughter or something? Ew. Well, I guess it could happen…stranger things **_**have **_**happened, after all.**

Patronus Charm**: Aww, I'm glad you liked it. I'm actually thinking of doing some sort of spinoff TigerxPrincess crack fic, because I love it so much. LittlexCinder seems fairly popular, and it's viable, so it could work. TigerxFern? That's almost as creepy as the canon pairing DustxFern! XD Well, maybe she just likes older men…**

**As I mentioned above, this chapter was initially done on a whim. You can't force ideas, I've discovered – you have to let them come to you. This one (much like the last chapter) came straight out of the blue, and I captured it as quickly as possible. After some editing, it's ready to be viewed and reviewed (hint, hint) by you lovely folks. This pairing could **_**possibly**_** work in an AU setting, but under normal circumstances, this is the best way I saw it happening. It's not the greatest piece I've ever done, but it's still pretty funny.**

**Special note: Dedicated to **wewtXD**, whose humorous TigerxSasha story provided the proper inspiration for this instalment.**

**This segment is rated T for teen, as there are mild suggestive themes, mentions of hangovers, and cat substance abuse.**

**Disclaimer: The **_**Warriors**_** books aren't mine, and neither are the characters. Otherwise I would've sold Brambledunce on eBay and be rid of him already.**

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The Morning After (or, Fireheart Learns to Stay Out of the Catnip)

By Steel Plated Bambi

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"Ughhnnn…" 

That was the first fully coherent thought to enter Fireheart's mind as he regained consciousness, and he voiced this heartfelt sentiment aloud, groaning as his stomach turned over. The inside of his skull felt as though a pair of gophers had detached his head from his shoulders while he'd been sleeping and tossed it back and forth. StarClan, did he ever have a hangover. What time was it anyway?

The tom cracked open his eyelids a fraction to see whether he was still with the living. Evidently he was; almost immediately he shut them again and wished fervently that he _was_ dead, his head throbbing painfully with the bright morning sunlight that suffused the corners of his vision.

He'd been out since last night, then – at least he'd figured out that much. Now _where_ was he? Fireheart frowned, shifting his body as much as his buzzing cranium would allow for. This didn't feel like his nest at all. The surface underneath him was hard and smooth, a far cry from the bed of moss he kept in ThunderClan's warriors' den. The ginger tom tried frantically to recall what he'd been doing the previous night, but the images were blurred. He remembered finding a strange plant, and some sort of heady scent…but the rest was muddled by the angry pounding in his temples.

_Great__ Holy Mother of all StarClan, what was I _doing _last night?_ Fireheart wondered fretfully.

"Mmmph…"

Fireheart's ears pricked up at the foreign noise. It had sounded like someone roused from too short a sleep by a nosy kit. It was a cat's voice, obviously, but _he_ certainly hadn't said anything. Fur prickling with apprehension, he chanced another peek through crusted eyelids at his surroundings. The light momentarily blinded him, and his vision swam. Eventually however, he could make out what was in front of him: flat panes of tan-coloured rocks, with shoots and scrubs poking up occasionally in between. _I'm at sunningrocks_, he realized.

Again the tom heard a faint groan, as though the one who'd emitted it might heave up the contents of their stomach at a given moment. Feeling more than slightly nauseous himself, he rolled as best he could onto his other side to see who had made the noise – and felt his blood run cold at the sight that greeted him.

_No…no, no, nonononononono__! - please StarClan, this can not _**possibly**_ be right…_

But as they say, the proof is in the pudding, and that pudding was laying only a few mouselengths away from Fireheart. And had bright silver tabby fur, apparently …

"_Silverstream_?!"

The she-cat in question (as that's who it was, to Fireheart's eternal horror) blinked groggily at the sound of her name being spoken, her frazzled whiskers and reddened, bleary eyes giving her a most unbecoming appearance.

"…whozzat? Graystripe?" Silverstream mumbled, cringing painfully at the flood of daylight. Then her green eyes adjusted, resting on Fireheart, and all at once a look of blank astonishment appeared on her usually pretty face.

"_Fireheart?_" she mewed in disbelief. "What're – where…?" Her jaw hung slack, as though she couldn't believe what she was seeing. He wasn't the only one confused, then.

"Do you remember anything that might've…?" Fireheart trailed off, letting the question speak for itself.

"No. You?" Silverstream looked back at him hesitantly.

"No."

An uncomfortable silence followed, and stretched on for some time. Finally Silverstream broke it with a word that would have had her mother rolling in her grave.

"Y'know, that's not something I thought I'd ever hear a she-cat say," Fireheart joked feebly, trying for humour. Silverstream shot him a searing glare, and he immediately fell silent.

Again silence stretched on between them, neither cat able to think of anything even mildly suitable to say. Fireheart found that himself unable to even look at her. StarClan, this was getting more awkward by the minute.

At length Fireheart cleared his throat.

"There's always a chance that…we didn't, you know…" he suggested tentatively.

"Well of course, we could've been doing almost anything," Silverstream agreed quickly, as eager to avoid the obvious conclusion as Fireheart.

"I'm sure it was just a coincidence…"

"I'll bet that joker Graystripe was behind this…"

"How much trouble could two cats get up to…?"

They had no more convinced themselves than each other, but at least saying it aloud made them feel less ruffled (if not reassured). Fireheart blinked wearily, suddenly reminded of the buzzing in his temples. The throbbing of the hangover had only slightly subsided, and his ears were ringing, reminding him of his dizziness.

"I think I'll just head home and…uh…get some sleep," he muttered, starting already to edge away.

"Er, yeah…me too," Silverstream mewed, turning as though to leave. Then she paused, seeming to consider something, and strode back up to the ThunderClan tom.

"Don't you breathe a _word_ of this to Graystripe," she hissed dangerously, the sheer ferocity of her tone making Fireheart wince. Then she whirled around and stormed back to the river bank.

Fireheart stared after her for a moment, blinking stupidly. Then he too turned and trudged back towards his camp, head buzzing and tail dragging.

_That is the __ABSOLUTE last time I try catnip…_

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**AN: Well, how do you like dem apples? XD This is incredibly random, but kinda fun, too. As far as I could tell in series, Fireheart and Silverstream didn't get along well. At all. Th****is would justify the amount of horror Fireheart feels when he wakes up next to her. That and the fact that he may or may not have just screwed his best friend's girlfriend…**


	5. Not What it Seems

**AN: Aww geez, sorry guys. I didn't mean to take so long to update. Life tends to get in the way, and writer's block doesn't help, either. On the plus side, this chapter is considerably btter than the last one, and you get two crack pairings for the price of one (though I do consider one of them to be practically canon).**** Anyways, I may as well respond to some of my reviewers.**

Patronus Charm**: Uh, thanks? XD**

Niah-Miyoki**: I've never smoked a day in my life, so you may have a problem with that. XD TigerxLeopard could work, so I'll think about it.**

Caged Bird**: Sorry, but I'm not planning on writing **_**Warriors **_**slash. I'll draw it, though, so if you have a request, you could hop over to my DevART page (you can find the link in my profile).**

Purple-Arsenic**: Oh yes, very weird indeed! I enjoyed making them suffer.**

Pinkfuzzykittenz**: Holy cow, you're a genius! I looove conspiracy theories, and those are some good ones right there! Now I really want to write FirexMisty.**

Shandril**: Don't die on me! I don't want to be responsible for someone laughing themselves to death! D:**

Hope**: Thanks, glad you enjoyed!**

Sleets**: I'm happy you think I've got a way with words – it's always important to draw the audience in. And I love Tigerxprincess. It's my new OTP, fo sho. XD**

**Disclaimer: **_**Warriors **_**definitely isn't mine, other wise **_**Twilight **_**wouldn't have stunk so badly. D:**

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Not What it Seems

By Steel Plated Bambi

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In the heart of ThunderClan's territory, two green eyes peered out from their hiding place, fixed on a single point not a few tail lengths away. A tiny brown mouse tittered and fussed, unaware of the deadly presence that was lurking in the underbrush. Those same green eyes were wide and bright as moons, taking in every miniscule movement the little creature made.

Fireheart was as still as stone, hardly daring to breathe. His quarry was completely oblivious to the fact that he was mere tail lengths away. Already he could feel the crunch of its tiny bones and the taste of its blood between his teeth. His tail began to lash, slowly at first, then faster and faster, as the tension in his body mounted. It swung back and forth in steady strokes, one-two, one-two, like the constant motion of a pendulum. Bright green eyes were fixed immovably on the unsuspecting mouse, as his muscles tensed, ready to uncoil at a second's notice. The moment was so close now...ready...wait for it...aaaaaand...

"And then he said, 'That's no badger, that's my mate!'"

A bout of nearby laughter cut through his hypnotic state like a sharpened claw. Alerted by the noise, his quarry started and skittered away. Cursing his bad luck, Fireheart scrambled from his hiding place in a last-ditch effort at obtaining his prize. No such luck, though – the mouse was long gone. Snarling in frustration, Fireheart swung around towards the source of the disturbance with every intention of giving those responsible an earful. However, what he saw startled him so much that he stopped dead in his tracks.

Through the foliage he could see Cinderpelt limping past patches of fragrant plants, her coal gray pelt dappled with patches of sunlight. And following close behind her, mouth full of herbs and looking very much like an apprentice medicine cat, was none other than Longtail.

Fireheart quickly ducked down behind a shrub, curiosity overcoming his annoyance at losing his prey. What was Cinderpelt doing out collecting herbs with Longtail? It was hardly a secret that he and the tabby tom didn't get along well, and though Cinderpelt as one of the clan's medicine cats wasn't supposed to pick favourites, it seemed unusual that she would ask _him_ of all cats to come along. Isn't that what apprentices were for?

Cinderpelt had been the one who was laughing – the amused twitching of her whiskers and the sparkle in her eyes told him as much. She stopped, waiting for Longtail to catch up, and pointed to an open space on the ground, saying something Fireheart couldn't quite catch from his current position. The tabby tom accompanying her set down his bundle where she'd indicated and then made an elaborate display of cleaning his whiskers, as though to get rid of the taste. Cinderpelt laughed again swatted at him in a surprisingly playful manner, even as Fireheart looked on in amazement. Since when had Cinderpelt ever been so friendly with Longtail?

For reasons he couldn't comprehend, Fireheart felt uneasy as Longtail laughed and brushed up against the smoke gray she-cat, their faces so close together that their whiskers almost touched. He became even more unnerved when Cinderpelt didn't make any sort of complaint, merely twitching her whiskers as the lean tabby sidled up next to her. What in the world was Longtail on about?

Cinderpelt pointed with her tail at a nearby clump of leafy greens, and her companion pulled away from her side, trotting over to the plant and leaning down to take a good sniff. He said something to her over his shoulder, and she nodded approvingly. Longtail then pulled up a mouthful of the stuff by the roots and brought it back over to Cinderpelt, who mewed something excitedly as she examined their find, eyes shining.

_Why didn't she ask _me_ to help her? _Fireheart thought indignantly. Then he checked himself. _Because you specifically told her you were going hunting by __**yourself**__. Mouse-brain. _Still, he couldn't undertsand why Cinderpelt would ask Longtail to come along, when she could easily have asked her mentor Yellowfang or someone else she was close to. And yet the look on Longtail's face as he gazed at her, even as she went on talking, was enough to make Fireheart wonder just how close they really were.

_Why should it bother me so much?_ he asked himself helplessly, watching the two of them stand close together. _What business is it of mine?_ Even as he thought this, another voice piped up, though more quietly than the first.

_Because she's a medicine cat, and should know better than to let any tom use body language like that around her. And because she's your friend._ His green eyes took in the sight of them with their heads bent close together, exchanging words in voices too low for him to hear, and his stomach twisted itself in knots. There had to be more to it than that – otherwise, why would he feel like stalking over there and dragging his claws down Longtail's flank? He wasn't _jealous_... was he?

Longtail slowly wound his tail around Cinderpelt's, and abruptly Fireheart turned away, unable to view any more of this. Before he knew it he was stalking off into the undergrowth, wanting desperately to go somewhere, _anywhere_ else. He could still picture Longtail with his body pressed close to Cinderpelt, and a growl rose in his throat just thinking about it. He couldn't fathom why, but what he had just seen deeply disturbed him – and in more ways than one.

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Cinderpelt lifted her head and looked out into the bushes, whiskers twitching.

"Do you think he saw all that?" she asked Longtail, who was now sitting and idly washing his front paw.

"Well, I certainly hope so. We put on quite a show for him." His eyes glinted amusedly as he set his paw back on the ground. Cinderpelt hoped he was right. If that display didn't make Fireheart feel some jealousy, then _nothing _would. They'd pushed it a little, she'd admit, but it had certainly gotten the message across. If Fireheart felt anything for her at all, he'd be sure to say something about it later.

"Thanks for helping me out with this, Longtail," she mewed, blinking at him gratefully. He returned her blink and stood, stretching out his front legs with a contented purr.

"Hey, anything that gets Firedunce's tail in a knot is alright with me," Longtail chuckled, straightening up again. "Anyways, we should probably finish up here and head back to the clan. I'm starving." He swiped his tongue along his jaws for emphasis.

"Mmhm. And Longtail?" The aforementioned tom looked at her questioningly.

"You can give me my tail back anytime now. Just saying," Cinderpelt mewed, a little testily.

"Oh, of course. Sorry about that," Longtail mewed, eyes glimmering with good humour. But she noticed he didn't unwind his tail from hers.

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AN: snerk Ahem, anyways, what did you guys think? Feel free to drop me a line. And if you've got any pairing suggestions, I'm all ears!


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